“You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.” – Foster Friess, the mega-donor behind Rick Santorum’s SuperPAC, speaking to Politico in 2012.

Luckily for the pharmaceutical industry, it’s not just women who need help keeping their knees together these days. Men everywhere seem to be suffering from an inability to keep their legs together on the subway, a condition we now understand as “manspreading.”

A new aspirin, formulated expressly for manspreaders, “temporarily relieves seat sprawling, spread knees, and lack of consideration for fellow passengers.” When used properly, this low-cost solution shows great potential to reduce crime and mitigate the myriad cultural problems of rampant male entitlement.